Consequences Part VI

Alex goes to town to meet her brother and he questions her about what has happened. She feels she can't explain why she left the house to find lodgings... and can't explain that her lodgings are shabby and in a very poor area. He asks why the servants weren't paid, and she finally manage to tell him it's because she had used up the money. She says that she thought he could just write another cheque and he is appalled and accuses her of embezzling the money. She really can't understand why it is a problem. She has not handled money in years. She dimly realises that it was wrong to take the money Cedric gave her for the servants' pay, and to use it herself, but she does not see why. Cedric is torn between serious disapproval and feeling sorry for her, when she is so helpless and unaware. Alex feels that it's another indication that she is a bad person and deserves punishment and hellfire. He tells her that they will forget about it, and when Pamela gets married, she will make over her money to Alex. She goes back to her lodgings and broods, and comes to the conclusion that if she's so bad, she is destined for hell anyway.. if there is a hell. So she decides to commit suicide. She goes to the Ponds on Hampstead Heath and nerves herself to end it all. She works herself up to find enough courage to finish her life.. and steps into the pond, having put stones in her pockets. She drowns. Her family are sad but not desperately upset. They don't understand the problems that she has carried all her life or what drove her to this final event. Her younger sister feels that she had nothing to live for. Barbara remembers how pretty the young Alex was.

Consequences Part V

Cedric tells Alex that because she was settled in the convent, their father did not leave her anything much in his Will. He left a portion of money to be divided between Pamela and Barbara, but to Alex, he only left a small annuity of £50 a year. That was paid directly to the convent. Alex has no real idea of money - in the convent, the basics were provided for her... so she does not realise how precarious things are now. Barbara needs the money she got from her father, as she was left so badly off. Pamela is young and will probably marry well, but Cedric feels he can't advise his sister to give up her money unless she has a rich husband, and she has not got one, as yet. Alex is very upset that her family seem to be making such an issue about her income, because it means very little to her. Cedric tells her he will help her out, a bit, but she will have to wait till Pamela gets engaged, and can give up some of her portion, to have a settled income, however small. Alex gets even more upset when she overhears Violet who has been very kind to her, say things that insinuate that she is only being nice for Cedric's sake. She has been staying with Violet and now, she feels uneasy doing this. When Violet and Cedric plan to go away to the country for August, Alex asks if she could stay at their house while she tries to make plans. Violet agrees as there will be a couple of servants still keeping an eye on the house... Cedric tells her that he will give her some money for herself, which she'll need and a cheque to pay the board wages to the servants at the end of the month. He and Violet go away and Alex stays, but she then finds that the convent want paying back for the money they spent on sending her back to London. Worried and not sure what to do, she decides that she has to pay them.. so she uses her little bit of money from Cedric. But that still leaves her short. Foolishly, she thinks it would be all right to use the money for the servants' wages for herself. She has decided to leave her family's homes and find some cheap lodgings. She finds a room in a lodging house, and dips into the servants' wages to pay for it. She thinks it's no harm as Cedric can just write another cheque for them. She is hurt at having overheard Violet and now believes that Violet was not really kind because she liked her... She was just showing kindliness for her husband's sake. She moves into the lodging house near Hampstead. It is shabby but the landlady is nice to her. Then Cedric learns from his servants that they haven't been paid. He hurries back to London to see what has happened.

Consequences Part IV

Alex finds that her hysterical fits and her insistence that she wants to leave religous life does not go down well. The nuns are shocked. She is sent to consult a priest and he is very unsympathetic, telling her that she is very wrong to want to leave her convent. He brutally tells her that her family won't want her. Her siblings are married or leading their own lives. They will not be willing to take her back. Alex is hurt by all this and it reinforces her conviction that she is a bad person whom nobody could love or respect. But the nuns and priests can't believe that anyone could want to leave, once they have become professed religious. He suggests that she could transfer to another convent or another order, but she says she does not want that. She cannot live in the way religious are supposed to live, not having any special people in her life. He says that even if she does go ahead and apply to be released from her vows, it will take a long time and may not even happen. She says that she can't go on. If they won't let her go willingly, she will just leave. He reminds her that she won't be wanted by her own family. She continues to insist and in the end, she is sent to the order's convent in Rome, to be near the Vatican while her case is being processed. It becomes clear that she will get her release in due course. She finds that the Roman nuns are cold to her as well, as it is the ultimate sin to want to be released from your vows. She is hurt and even more lonely, and she becomes ill, with throat abscesses which weaken her. She writes to her family, who are amazed that she now wants to give up the life of a nun. They say that she will always be welcome at home but it's clear they have no real understanding of what she has gone through during her time as a nun and now, while she is looking for laicisation. After several months she is allowed to leave, and the order are willing to pay for her to go back to England, but make it clear she will have to pay the money back. She is also told that the church will not sanction her getting married. She has no interest in marriage. She decides to go to Barbara who now lives in a small house in Hampstead... Her brother Cedric has married a well to do young woman, Violet, and they have one child. He is comfortably off now and happy in his marriage. Alex, having lived in a limited enclosed life for 10 years, is absolutely shattered by the journey back to London. She knows nothing of money, or how London has changed. When she get to the city, she decides to get a cab to Hampstead, to Barbara's house, but she does not have enough money for the fare. Barbara is not unwelcoming but she's a little annoyed that she has to pay some of Alex's cab fare and that her sister did not think of getting a bus or underground. In a day or so, she suggests that they go to town to see Cedric and his wife, and have a talk about her finances. Her youngest sister, Pamela, is "out" and lives with Cedric. She lends Alex a little money to pay for some new clothes, but Alex has no idea how she is going to repay her.

stories

My stories that I wrote as Clova Leighton (historical romances) are available on the blog. They include Regency stories, some based in Roman Britain and some in Victorian and Edwardian Britain.

Diana III

Diana and Jan get married and she decides that she wants to use her money to set up a home for children whose lives have been destroyed by war. Jan feels that her good side is now coming out more. He is fed up with the war and wishes it were over. Diana is eager to have a baby. She wants a son by Jan, but in the end she has to tell him that it seems unlikely that she will manage it. She tells him that when she asked him to come to France with her on the mission to get Yves' papers, she was pregnant by one of her lovers. She felt that she could not go on with dangerous war work, in such a condition so she hastily arranged an abortion. It didn't go well and her womb was damaged. Jan knows little of female reproduction and is shocked. He had guessed at the time he met her that Diana was pregnant, and then on a second meeting, she did not seem to be pregnant. Diana tells him she could try to have an operation to fix her womb, but she also has a bad heart. She has had heart trouble before and the adventures in France have added to the strain on her heart. So having a gynaecological operation might kill her.

Consequences III

Ten years pass, and we learn that Alex is now a nun (Sister Alexandra) in the convent in Belgium. But she is still not very happy. She hasn't got any real skills to use in her work. She does a bit of teaching but one of her little pupils gets a crush on her and the nuns are nervous about this sort of thing. Alex still loves Mother Gertrude, who is now a senior nun in the Liege convent, but she is getting worn out. She has been struggling for years to persuade herself that she has a vocation and that she is in the right place, but she is running out of energy. She is often ill. But she felt when she came to stay at the convent that she had no real option but to go into the order. Her family didn't want her, the upper class world didn't want her. Mother Gertrude and the convent seemed to be the only people who cared for her or wanted to give her a place in life. In the past years, things have changed a lot in England. Her parents are both dead. Her brother Cedric has married and so has Barbara. She married a young artist who went to South Africa during the Boer war and became ill and died. He left her very badly off. Alex feels lost. Her family keep in touch but she has no real connexion with them. Her youngest sister, Pamela, is now growing up and ready to take her place in society. She then learns that Mother Gertrude has been transferred to a convent in South America and will be leaving soon. Mother Gertrude believes she did the right thing in encouraging Alex to become a nun, but now she finds out her mistake. When she hears that her idol is going to be sent far away, probably for life, Alex becomes hysterical. Gertrude is severe with her and tells her that she is very wrong to think like this.. She has a vocation and she must obey her religious superiors. She cannot attach herself to an individual or love someone more than God. Alex has always thought of herself as "bad" and these unkind words from Gertrude drive her to despair. It seems to confirm that she is really a bad person and that Mother Gertrude never cared for her. She breaks down completely. Mother Gertrude leaves and Alex tells the senior nuns that she has decided she can't stay in the convent.

Consequences II

Noel is a little like Monica's admirer in Thank Heaven Fasting.. that young man, Carol, was very vain and tiresome, but Monica put up with him because she had no other prospects of a husband. However, Alex begins to find Noel increasingly annoying. Her parents let them get engaged, privately but do not announce it. Within a few weeks, Alex feels she can't live with Noel's lack of any real affection for her any longer and she breaks off the engagement. Her parents are horrified. They suspect that she will not have many more chances of getting married and that if news gets out that she jilted Noel, she will ruin her chances altogether. Alex is very upset but feels she had no option. Her parents continue to take her into society but she dislikes it more and more and she does not have any suitors. Barbara, the next girl, is now over her accident, when she fell off the "tightrope". The Clare parents decide to send her to a friend in France to learn about society. She goes off happily and takes to life in France very well and soon becomes sophisticated and fashionable, though she is not as pretty as Alex. After a year or so, she returns. She is only 17, but she seems very well able to come out in Society and tells Alex that she has had an admirer in France who writes her love letters. Alex is getting furiously jealous of her younger sister. Barbara decides to make her come out early at just 17. It is the Diamond Jubilee year and the family go to various events. Alex is coming home from one such event, with only her maid as chaperone. She is tired and hot, and the maid, who is a Catholic, suggests that they go to a nearby church to rest for a little. It appears that the order where Alex went to school now has a house and church in London. It is a Belgian order and Alex has had nothing to do with them since she left school. She agrees to walk to the church and rest up.. and when she gets there, she does feel a little happier. She wonders if perhaps something good is finally going to happen for her. In the church, she is waiting for her maid to find a cab, and she finds to her shock that there is a nun in the chapel. It is Mother Gertrude, one of the senior nuns. Gertrude sees how unhappy Alex is, as they talk, and she begins to persuade her to turn to religious life. Over the next couple of months, she visits the church often and develops a crush on Mother Gertrude. Gertrude believes that Alex has a vocation and encourages her to think so too. The Clares are not happy with her for becoming so religious and "Slumming"... and arguments break out in the house. Barbara's French beau lets her down. She had thought he was going to propose and he marries his cousin Marie in France. She is in a bit of a bad mood. Alex withdraws more and more from society and her parents get more annoyed with her. Another row escalates. Her father tells her that if she can't be happy with her own family and the upper class way of life, she can leave. Her mother reminds her that the family are not very rich, and that the house and most of their money is left to their 2 sons, so she and her sisters won't be very well off, if they do not marry. Feeling pressurised and unwanted, Alex decides to leave. She contacts Mother Gertrude, who invites her to come and stay at the convent and she goes.