Johnny and the Four (Short dark humour story) Benedict Brooke

Johnny Davies was only short when they told him the story. About the four men who had lived next door. But then you’re not that tall at only two. Anyway, one day, Johnny was crossing the road and one of the men, the tall thin one, offered to help him to cross. How they got out of the way of that truck, I’ll never know. Funny guy. Funny peculiar- that is, dressed a bit like a monk. You know, long black habit, cowl, guess he was a gardener or some such with that scythe he carried. Do you remember the riot? Johnny does, when those five guys started up on the black family next door, (on the left hand side, not on the right hand side where the four guys were). Before you knew it, Combat 18, NF, the Anti-Nazi League and a representative of the Monster Raving Loony party, who had gotten lost while canvassing, all turned up with knives, skewers, corkscrews and whatever other implements they had managed to borrow from the other 4 guys next door. Do you remember how the police turned up? After the majority of the crowd had dispersed, and they arrested anyone remaining, bleeding or drunk (apart from the off duty officer of course.). Johnny meanwhile, looking aghast from the window, was moved to throw on his dressing gown and shove his feet into slippers and bugger off down the road, to a safe distance, to absorb events. The gentleman standing beside him in the gawking throng was smiling at this time, although Johnny, in his combination of shock, amazement and excitement, didn’t notice this. Anyway, Johnny grew older, as unfortunately and inevitably one does. He didn’t move. His parents were victims of a car crash when he was eighteen, when he was of an age, to take charge of the house. By this age, Johnny had a problem with his weight. Despite incipient anorexia and the earnest but terrible cooking of his mother, (in earlier years obviously... even I’m not stupid enough to confuse my continuity that much)… no matter how little he ate, he steadily piled on the pounds. So that at the age of 20, he realised that the only career he could embark on was that of professional wrestler. Fortunately, one of the gentlemen next door came to visit dear old Johnny. This neighbour was the pale rather slim one -with the ash blond hair and albino eyes. This gentleman suggested a high- quality though rather unnerving diet. Anyway, luckily for Johnny -he was never brought to book for his – ahem –cannibalistic crimes. Though he was rather foolish in that he used the same cab firm each time. But the desired effect was achieved. Johnny soon became a fine figure of a man (albeit rather short). So his thoughts began to run to courting. Joanna was tall, fair and graceful. Johnny met her at the Jim. He had intended to go and work-out, but was unfortunately dyslexic and had in fact walked into a bar. He managed somehow to work his way into her favour, and after the obligatory “coffee”, her knickers. Indeed, with the very marriage arranged and a stag night in view, Johnny was left, as one is, deciding whom to invite to the “almighty piss up”. But he had few friends, more like “acquaintances”, due to his earlier more unsociable activities. So Johnny thought it might be appropriate to invite the four men next door (Although he was very insecure concerning their ménage a quartre). Anyway, a jolly old evening was had by all, apart from the barman who experienced an attack of scrofula, and the knife fight about whose pint was whose? Johnny hadn’t realised that the Farmers Arms was a gay pub, and what with all the pub grub being out of date, and the old guy at the corner table being found dead, when everyone thought that he was just taking his time over his pint. Mind you, the tall skinny man was winning at pool. And when Johnny got home (he’d invited them all in for a drink) there was the message on his voicemail, from the hospital. Joanna was critically ill with pneumonia, pleurisy, and something that they’ve only just discovered and hadn’t given a name to, yet. (They were sure they’d be able to think of something in time for the TV news.) "Oh and she's dead,” they added. “Never mind, better luck next time?” However Johnny remained single, and heartbroken. Mourning his lost love, until, some 10 years later, all four chaps who lived next door, (who had been his emotional and physical crutch), popped up on the doorstep. “Hello Johnny” they said, in an affable manner. “We’ve come to cheer you up.” And give you a good haircut,” remarked the stocky one... although not in a way that anyone could hear clearly. “Anyway” the thin one said, affixing a tourniquet on his upper arm as they all sat at Johnny’s kitchen table, "Anyway,” he reiterated, “We think – that is we collectively –“ “Hold on -” the deep voice of the tall one said, “Who the fuck’s in charge here?” “Just get the fucking clippers” the stocky one replied. Johnny, proud of his lush and flowing locks (and the fact that he hadn’t had to pay for a haircut in 11 years), was taken aback at this. However, when held down by Mr Skinny, Mr Pale and with his head held firmly in place by the muscular forearms of Mr Stocky, he resigned himself to the robust attentions of Mr Grim (I think you’ve all guessed it by now!). Time passed – as it does – and here we find Johnny sitting bemused and shorn, upon his kitchen floor. Rubbing his shaven and rather itchy denuded head. He is heard to mutter to himself, “That fucking tattoo, what does it mean anyway? And what did he mean by that?” For as the tall one had left, tattooing equipment still in hand, he had said softly, smiling. “You’re ready now Johnny, you’re ready.” Mind you, with a face like that, there’s not much you can do but smile. And why, as the sign was engraved on his head, and he had yelled “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” had the pale one replied “How apt, how apt.” Three years later, at the age of 33, Johnny was elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. The rest will be history, (Or Prophecy depending on how you look at it.).

the Games they play, Benedict Brooke

Larry O’Flynn drank a bottle of gin Each night after work when he got in Empties stacked in the yard while they marked his card At the one or two places where he wasn’t barred The photo of her still sits on the TV Though she ain’t been here since 1983 He used to take her dancing and a little romancing Down the Dewdrop Inn, Saturday night Now he sits in his shorts, tuned to TV sports Watching re runs of last weeks’ fight. Eileen O’Flynn don’t know where to begin Her only date looked like Ho Chi Min Asking him to leave, it seemed too much fuss It’s the choice between desperation - or a lonely lush Larry bumped into her at the Seven- Eleven Arranged to take her for a bite, Tuesday night at seven And a few days later, he cleans up the yard Sobered up cold turkey, though it was pretty hard Eileen looks through an old wedding catalog But we ain’t for turning; we’re going all the way Things’ll be different, starting today You’re thinking of me, when I’m thinking of you And you’re kissing me, and I’m kissing you too I guess it’s kind of strange today the games unmarried people play

California Mountain Range Benedict Brooke

< White edged against the blue encircling sky

Mrs Gaskell Novelist Part II

Mrs Gaskell had 4 daughters by her husband, and a son who died in infancy. She began to write to distract herself from her grief, and she had several different kinds of writing that she enjoyed. She had a romantic streak which led her to write ghost stories, but from her work as a minister's wife in Manchester, she learned of the ill fed, ill-housed working classes. She chose to use her writing talent to write "social" novels. She did not know the working class from “inside” but she was an intelligent, imaginative woman who was able to understand them better than many middle class writers. Her portrayals of the factory workers were sympathetic and well observed. She did get criticism from the middle class manufacturers and business people, who thought that she was showing too much sympathy to the working classes and their trade unions. The well to do classes felt that as a middle class lady and a Christian, she should be supporting the status quo and not encouraging radical ideas. She tried to write about the working class with feeling and charity, though she was, as a middle class woman, a little afraid of the dangerous ideas about unions, and “against property”, that some of them propounded. She knew however that they were right in their belief that they were the ones who suffered and were harshly treated. They had a right to a better life. She tried to “bring the classes together” and ask working men to understand the viewpoint of the middle class owners. But she was shaken by a response from a working man, saying, “have you ever seen a child clemmed (starved) to death?” William “backed” his wife, when she was criticised by the owning class, even if it made his life as a minister difficult. Her earlier novels, such as Mary Barton, and North and South tend to veer between real sympathy and excellent observation of working class life, yet also an attempt to portray the mill owners fairly, or even, some felt, too generously. Her most controversial novel was “Ruth” which was the story of an unmarried mother. However, she didn’t want her daughters to read it. Many people thought that it was scandalous to portray an unwed mother as a victim of male selfishness and an innocent girl... But Charlotte Bronte felt angry that Gaskell had to kill Ruth off... that she had to expiate her sin by death. Her Victorianism and her sense of Christian propriety warred with her generous nature and her instincts as a writer.

Elizabeth Gaskell Part I

Elizabeth Gaskell’s works have enjoyed a revival in recent years, with the TV version of her best work “Wives and Daughters”. A TV version of “Cranford” has been very popular. She was born as Elizabeth Stevenson, in Chelsea, London in 1810; her father was a Unitarian minister. Unitarians were dissenters, outside the Church of England, and more liberal in their social, political and religious thinking. They were usually based in towns, and tended to attract either liberal thinkers or people of the lower middle or working class. In later life, Gaskell became friends with Charlotte Bronte, whose husband, Arthur Nicholls was very bigoted against dissenters. She herself was tolerant of other beliefs, but she was still very much of a Victorian, religious and strict in her conduct. Her mother died when she was a baby, and her father sent her to Knutsford in Cheshire to be looked after by her aunt. This country town was a place she loved and which became the basis for Cranford, and also for the country town in Wives and Daughters. Her father had resigned his orders in the Unitarian church, on conscientious grounds... something that would happen with Mr Hale in North and South. He tried to find other work, and acquired a civil service post. He was far from well off, though his wife, Elizabeth’s mother had connections with well-known prominent Unitarian families such as the Martineaus, and Darwins. Later her father remarried and had another family. Elizabeth continued living with her aunt. It seems as if she did not get on too well with her stepmother. This may have been the inspiration for Molly Gibson’s unhappy situation with her stepmother – the shallow silly Hyacinth. She has a good education in a small school near her country home and at another school in Stratford upon Avon. Her marital prospects weren’t good, due to her lack of fortune but she did have a social life, sponsored by her relatives. She was a pretty, charming girl, intelligent and compassionate, and in 1832, she found a husband. She married William Gaskell, a Unitarian Minister and moved to Manchester. Manchester was then a city which had grown up from the Industrial Revolution. It contained factories, and slums and the working and living conditions of the poor were terrible. As a minister’s wife, Gaskell was exposed to the terrible urban poverty, and learned about industrial issues. She began to write after the death of 2 of her children, a stillborn daughter and a baby son. Her marriage was a happy one. William was a liberal tolerant husband who allowed her a good deal of freedom. He was dedicated to his work as a minster, which included a good deal of “social work." This took up a lot of his time and he expected his wife to support him in it... but he encouraged her to write and to get her work published.

Thank Heaven Fasting E M Delafield

I haven’t read all of Delafield’s novels. In fact I have only read a handful. I am not a fan of her most famous work -“the Provincial Lady”. I have read some of her novels about married ladies of the middle to upper class, such as “The Way Things Are”, and I haven’t liked them. They seem to be about well-off women complaining about their servants, their husbands etc. and it is hard to have any sympathy. In these books, she seems snobbish. But I loved “Thank Heaven Fasting". It is about a young woman - Monica, who is just about to make her come out in Society. The year isn’t given, but it’s probably Edwardian times, the time of Women’s Suffrage, and strict chaperonage of young girls. It is the world of Delafield’s girlhood, with all the rigid customs that ended with World War One. Monica is pretty, pleasant and conventional, and eager to please her parents by getting married soon. There are no money problems. She does not need to marry for financial support. But she knows that it is every woman’s duty to get married as soon as possible... Society decrees that it is important to marry someone of suitable birth, who has the means to support a wife. But in the end, it's considered important just to get married, regardless of how rich the husband is. Girls usually settle for "finding a husband of any kind”. At first, Monica has an admirer who seems suitable, Claud. She meet him at the beginning of her Season. He is well bred, has a career and is comfortably off... and she likes him. He is training to be a lawyer, but does not have a country house or a large fortune. But he's a pretty good catch. But before long, she knows that her parents will be glad of any man of the right class, even if he does not have much money… or is older...or in some other way not all that desirable. Monica has hopes of Claud, but her friends Frederica and Cecily, the daughters of a hard selfish society woman, Lady Marlowe, have a much tougher time. They are shy and plain, and they cling to each other obsessively. They know that their chances of marriage are slim. Lady Marlow despises them for being lacking in charm and sex appeal. But Monica makes a disastrous mistake. In her first Season, after a good start, she gets into a flirtation with a soldier, Christopher. She neglects Claud because she is so taken up with Christopher. Her parents discourage the relationship, because he has no money and is soon to be shipped off to India. He also has a bit of a reputation. But he arouses Monica’s desires and she is eager to marry him... even if her parents disapprove. He encourages her to disobey the rules, to sneak out and meet him... Finally, they meet at a dance, and she allows him to take her out from the ballroom. They sit out kissing on the rooftop of the ballroom. Word gets out about the “disappearance”. Although Monica has done nothing more than kissing, there is gossip about her. Christopher has treated her, a lady, like a shop girl... who is not good enough to marry. Monica realises that she has lost her “freshness”. She begins to slide into a half world of “almost spinsterhood”. She has another Season and another, and her friends (apart from Frederica and Cecily) get married. She is left behind. Cecily has a sad episode. She meets a young doctor who has been called in when Lady Marlowe became ill suddenly. They fall in love and he wants to marry her, but Frederica, afraid of losing Cecily, talks her out of the marriage. Lady Marlowe does not want her daughter to marry a mere doctor. At first she accepts the marriage as better than nothing at all, but then Frederica interferes and persuades Cecily to give him up. Angrily, Lady Marlow washes her hands of her daughters and leaves them in the country, with an old governess for companionship, while she goes about in Society. Monica knows she is less attractive to men. She meets Claud, but he clearly has lost interest in her. But she keeps on hoping. Some readers get annoyed with this book because Monica’s only goal is to marry; she has no interest in a career... or agitating for the Vote, or even charity work. She knows that to take up full time charity work is a confession of failure for a girl of her class. But I can understand.. Monica is not different to most other girls of her kind. Some readers want Monica to be ahead of her time, to give up "wasting her time looking for a man" and find a job, or for Delafield to rescue her by producing a husband that she can love. Monica develops a friendship for a time with a young man called Carol, who is quite suitable. But she finds that he's not interested in her as a possible wife. He has convinced himself that he is in love with a married woman, who is unavailable. He just wants to fantasise about the woman, and his own "great love" for her. He is using Monica as a sympathetic ear and she lets him pour out about his love and his own brilliant qualities all the time. She knows he won't ask her to marry him but she keeps hoping. Delafield is just being realistic about Monica's situation. She is not a girl who wants to be unconventional… she wants a suitable marriage and to be the same as other girls. And when a suitable man comes along, even though years ago, she would probably have rejected him as too old and not romantic, Monica is relieved and happy. Her father has died rather suddenly and she is left being a companion to her weeping mother. After the bereavement, the two women find themselves getting friendly with Mr Pelham. He is a good bit older than Monica, but he calls often and she tolerates him, though he is dull, gossipy, and plain. Most debutantes laugh at him for being old and dull. But he proposes, and she eagerly accepts him, even though she is not in love. She is very glad to take him and terrified that something will go wrong. It's real life, not "romantic novel life".

E M Delafield (1890-1943)

E M Delafield was the pen name of Edmée Elizabeth Monica Dashwood. Her mother was Mrs De La Pasture, a well-known novelist of the 20s and 30s. The family were middle class and reasonably well off. Edmee was a debutante in 1909, but a few years later, went into a Roman Catholic order of nuns. Why she did this has never been explained. However, after a few years, she left her convent. When the War broke out, she worked as a VAD. This gave her a wider experience of life than was usual for an upper or middle class girl at the time. She began to write, first producing a novel about her time as a VAD. (Zella Sees Herself). After the war, she married into the lower ranks of the landed gentry. Paul Dashwood, her husband had been in the army and was an engineer, and his family had the title of Baronet. He and his wife went out to the Malay states on marriage, as did many British professionals with such practical skills. After a while, Edmee wanted to come back to England. A few years later, the couple moved back to Devon where Paul got a job as estate manager to the Bradfield estate. Delafield went on with her writing - but was very involved with the local society circle, the Women’s Institute etc. Like many of her heroines, she was something of a fish out of water, in the genteel upper middle or gentry circles of provincial England. She was more intellectual than the women she mixed with. They thought of her as odd because of her writing and her having sophisticated London arty friends; her writing friends who came to stay didn’t usually win the admiration of her children. And I think the writing friends found it odd that she led such a limited unintellectual life in Devon. Her marriage seems to have been happy enough – but her view of marriage seems a little jaundiced. In many of her novels about marriage, the “husband” is a dull man who loves his wife but is irritated by her, has few interests in common with her, and retreats behind his newspaper. So it is possible that her marriage was not a close one, in that sense. She was also rumoured to have had affairs with women. In the next part of this blog, I hope to write about one of Delafield’s best novels, “Thank Heaven Fasting”.