Consequences Part IV

Alex finds that her hysterical fits and her insistence that she wants to leave religous life does not go down well. The nuns are shocked. She is sent to consult a priest and he is very unsympathetic, telling her that she is very wrong to want to leave her convent. He brutally tells her that her family won't want her. Her siblings are married or leading their own lives. They will not be willing to take her back. Alex is hurt by all this and it reinforces her conviction that she is a bad person whom nobody could love or respect. But the nuns and priests can't believe that anyone could want to leave, once they have become professed religious. He suggests that she could transfer to another convent or another order, but she says she does not want that. She cannot live in the way religious are supposed to live, not having any special people in her life. He says that even if she does go ahead and apply to be released from her vows, it will take a long time and may not even happen. She says that she can't go on. If they won't let her go willingly, she will just leave. He reminds her that she won't be wanted by her own family. She continues to insist and in the end, she is sent to the order's convent in Rome, to be near the Vatican while her case is being processed. It becomes clear that she will get her release in due course. She finds that the Roman nuns are cold to her as well, as it is the ultimate sin to want to be released from your vows. She is hurt and even more lonely, and she becomes ill, with throat abscesses which weaken her. She writes to her family, who are amazed that she now wants to give up the life of a nun. They say that she will always be welcome at home but it's clear they have no real understanding of what she has gone through during her time as a nun and now, while she is looking for laicisation. After several months she is allowed to leave, and the order are willing to pay for her to go back to England, but make it clear she will have to pay the money back. She is also told that the church will not sanction her getting married. She has no interest in marriage. She decides to go to Barbara who now lives in a small house in Hampstead... Her brother Cedric has married a well to do young woman, Violet, and they have one child. He is comfortably off now and happy in his marriage. Alex, having lived in a limited enclosed life for 10 years, is absolutely shattered by the journey back to London. She knows nothing of money, or how London has changed. When she get to the city, she decides to get a cab to Hampstead, to Barbara's house, but she does not have enough money for the fare. Barbara is not unwelcoming but she's a little annoyed that she has to pay some of Alex's cab fare and that her sister did not think of getting a bus or underground. In a day or so, she suggests that they go to town to see Cedric and his wife, and have a talk about her finances. Her youngest sister, Pamela, is "out" and lives with Cedric. She lends Alex a little money to pay for some new clothes, but Alex has no idea how she is going to repay her.